Waves

I'm slowly drifting away and it feels like I'm drowning, pulling against the stream

So, I’ve been away for some time now. Between medical problems, financial difficulties, and just depression, I haven’t had the heart to write anything. It’s been a big ‘ol pitty party for yours truly and I didn’t think anyone needed to be part of that. The frustrating part is my loved ones are always a part of it, even when I don’t want them to be.

I titled this note after one of my top songs of the moment. Waves by Mr. Probz speaks to me for a number of reasons. And that, to me, makes good music. It meets you where you’re at in the moment and fills the endless void inside. Life is a series of waves, some waves are positive, fun, easily enjoyable and you wish they lasted forever, riding the easy current towards what you’re looking for. Some waves are just flat out difficult to ride and those are the waves that are coming through my life right now. I’m out of pity party mode, at least for the moment and want to work on pulling myself back up again. That is the place I’m writing from tonight. I feel my soul reaching up as high as it possibly can from a bottomless pit that’s wet, slippery and impossible to climb out of alone.

It often frustrates me that I often think or write only in my head all the time and like the blink of an eye, it vanishes from my memory before I have time to type it up or write it down on paper. In all actuality, that’s why I’ve been away or so long. I just haven’t had the resolve to open my computer, login and start typing. For me, that’s what happens when bipolar depression hits. Anybody else know the Greek myth of Persephone? That story is the analogy I use to try to describe what bipolar depression is like. I caution you though, my description should not apply to ALL PEOPLE DIAGNOSED WITH BIPOLAR. This is just me.

Here’s the Greek myth: Persephone is the daughter of the goddess Demeter . Demeter is the goddess of earth and harvest. One day, Persephone was picking flowers with Hades, who abducted her into the underworld. Once there, Hades tricked Persephone into eating a pomegranate seed to keep her from being able to return to the world of the living. Long story short, Zeus, Persephone’s father intervened on behalf of the heartbroken Demeter and it was agreed that Persephone would spend half the year with Demeter and half the year with Hades. The myth serves to explain the changing seasons since winter is supposedly the time when Persephone is with Hades below ground.

The myth serves to explain what bipolar depression is like for me. During a depressive episode, all of my favorite things about myself disappear for months, which leaves me feeling like an empty human being. My interests no longer exist, the things I normally enjoy doing become meaningless, food tastes bland, and what I’m left with is a world devoid of color. And the added bonus is all the negative thoughts that I’ve kept at bay resurface at double the speed. This time around, I get the added bonus of chronic fatigue from the autoimmune disorder I have. In every sense, my life is just BORING and tiring at the same time.

This week, one of the thoughts I try the hardest to suppress kept jumping up and saying “Me, me, me!!!! Think about ME!!!!!” The thought is “I’m done with living. I won’t commit suicide, but it would be ok if I just died of natural causes right now. I wouldn’t mind.” That’s called passive suicidal ideation and means I don’t have a suicide plan, I’m just entertaining the idea of not existing anymore. I don’t ever let my thoughts become active plans though and I do go see a therapist regularly. And I’m still here too. I’m sharing this as a way to help others understand what being in a depressed phase is like, in order to shed some light on what everyday feels like, even on effective medication.

Despite this, I keep fighting against the waves every time, waiting to catch the next positive wave that comes my way. I know it will and I can only do my best to keep treading water until it does. I know I really wear people out with my mental and physical health calamities. I’m with ya. It wears me out too, believe me! As funny as it sounds, if I had the choice to trade my life for someone else’s I most likely wouldn’t. Nobody’s life is easy, despite what you might think and at least I am fortunate enough to be able to go to therapy to learn healthier ways to manage myself. A lot of folks don’t get that chance at all.

It’s cloudy, wet and cold in my part of the world, but I’m safely tucked away in a warm house, with one of my very cute dogs beside me while I write. The next waves will be tougher than most but I’ve ridden them before and I’ll do it again, so mark my words. Thanks for reading at all and reading to the end if you did so. I wish you the most health and happiness that I can.

Yours,

The Cheerful Sunflower